Leaving on a jet plane

I'm overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed with anxiety for this trip. 

There's no crying in Corporate America

There are times when I adjust quickly to new life situations....this is not one of those times.

I worked for Guardsmark for just shy of two years...I've been at Sedgwick for 3 weeks.

I am freaking out.

I've gotten so used to being in the mindset of things being done quickly and perfectly the first time that I am having a serious issue with how things are going here. They're great! I'm just the one who is severely messed up.

Case in point: My wonderful new Irish boss asked me over 2 hours ago to take this guy's resume and turn it into a bio on our company tempate. Done. I can do this in my sleep. Do you even KNOW how many bio's I had to make up while I was at Guardsmark for top level executives?  A ton! Surely this will be a piece of cake.

But it's not a piece of cake. The guy has written his resume backwards with his oldest jobs listed first instead of the other way around. I don't realize this until I'm half-way through. Whoops. Editing......editing.....editing.  Good? I've been working on this an hour and a half, surely they think I've been playing around and I should finish this up and send it to them now.  So I do.

And then the guy comes back and tells me that I've gotten his job responsibilities all mixed up. He offers to go in and correct the mistakes for me.  DANG IT!!! Now my boss surely has to think that I'm an idiot. I can't even take some resume bullets and turn them into a bio without screwing everything up. She'll never give me anything to do ever again since I've just proven that I can't even handle this simple task.

Guy sends his changes back. I make some ticky minor changes and resend. Everyone says "thanks for both your hard work on this...." and that's it. Done. No talking down to me because of my misfire the first time. No sarcastic remarks about my talent. Nothing but a thank you.

What in the world is this place?!?!?!?!?!

Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

Incredibly frustrating

It is incredibly frustrating to feel like you are never good enough.

To feel like you are always letting someone down, no matter what you do.

To feel like nothing that you ever do is right.

It is incredibly frustrating to have a mother who constantly compares you to other people, specifically your oldest best friend.

"I don't know why you are trying to hard to be on the dance team, lord knows that Caralee is a better dancer than you are...."

"Caralee is so smart. Look, she was in the top ten in your high school class!"

"Caralee sure looked beautiful at your wedding. Whoever did her makeup should have done yours...."

These are all things that my mother has said to my face and later denied. Just because you don't want to believe that you said these things to me....doesn't mean they didn't happen. Caralee and I stopped talking for two months in High School during my senior year because she felt like I was competing with her and didn't want to play those games. Gee, I wonder what in the world would have possessed me to do such a thing.

My mother starts a fight with me right before Mother's Day every freaking year. It's like clockwork. Suddenly, I become defective. I'm not the daughter that she wanted. That girl has been gone for a long time. I'm not thoughtful enough, I don't call her enough. I don't spend every waking moment of my life trying to please her. Therefore, I get emotionally abused. But my mother is crafty. Apparently all I ever do is hurt her feelings. Apparently my feelings are the only ones that ever matter even though that is certainly not the case. Just her feelings never get appeased. (Granted, mine don't either). 

She wants us to have this perfect mother-daughter relationship that I don't think exists. We wear matching outfits and go hang out like, all the time, together and I tell her every aspect of my to the point that it's slightly creepy. No. Too much has happened for that, Mom. Too many tears have been shed. Too many night have been spent wondering why it is that you don't love me. What did I do to make you ignore me completely for an entire week? What did I do to make you all of a sudden decide to send me to go live with "my father" because you thought that living in an un-airconditioned trailer would be a severe punishment for me, when really it was a great two days and I was kinda sad to have to move back home.

That's right...Have to move back home. Part of me didn't want to. Part of me wanted to stay in the delipated old trailer and make due with my dad. My mother things that I am a diva. That I love to want things. That I have to have things and heaven help the person who is not willing to give up everything for me to have them. This is not true. I can make due on a surprisingly small amount of money. I don't need a lot of things to make me happy. Do I want them? Sure, of course I do. But if it comes down to it, I can do without. Something that she cannot understand.

She says that I don't know the first thing about her. And I probably don't. Truth is, I really stopped caring about her a long time ago. I love her, yes, because she's my mother. But if she was some random person that I met, I would not care for her. I would think she was awful. So there's this obligation to love her. This obligation to tell her that I love her when she's crying about how I don't care about her anymore and she doesn't understand why I don't talk to her.  I don't talk to her because everytime I do, she tries to one up me. 

Have a bad day? Hers was worse. Feel sick? She's been in bed for two days with a migraine. Have financial woes? You haven't heard anything yet. She's the perpetual martyr. Always something to complain about. Never anything to be thankful for. 

But yet, I'm the emotional attention whore. I'm the one who needs everyone to placate my delicate emotions. 

It couldn't be that you are a bitch and that I don't like the way that you speak to me....no. Surely that's not it at all.

Konstantine....

UUUUUGGGGHHHH

I am the most bored, bored, bored person in the world. I hate this job. I hate the people here. I hate how people encroach upon your personal space and get all weird. How creepy old men stare at you because you're young and 25 and you're forced to wear skirts everyday because you work in a sexist hell hole. I hate how people assume that because you're young, surely you can't understand anything.

I especially hate waiting. When it seems like it's taking forever.

8. What are 5 passions you have?

Hmmmm....this is a very interesting question. I suppose they are....

1. Jacob. We fight and disagree and sometimes I want to shake him, but words cannot express how much he means to me and how happy I am to be able to fall asleep next to him every night. He understands how crazy I am and doesn't judge me and tries really hard not to be frustrated when I do stupid things that most people would have yelled at me for by now. He is always there for me and knows the different expressions that I can make with just my eyes. I don't know if there's anyone else in the world who can do that but him.

2. Dancing. I love it. Something happens when the music comes on and I'm in front of people and I'm moving. It's magic. I can't describe it. I feel outside of myself while completely comfortable within myself all at the same time.

3. Reading. I could literally sit around all day and just let books take me to far off places. I haven't had enough time lately to read anything which has made me sad (especially since I have some sort of epic love story waiting to be picked up) but hopefully that'll change soon.

4. Sewanee. I left a piece of my heart there 3 years ago.

Here's a beautiful aerial view.

Here's our chapel, All Saints.

There are tons more pictures I could post, but I won't to spare you.

5. My friends. I literally don't know where I'd be without them sometimes.

Things that I don't like: waiting, feeling gross and worthless, people lying to me, people acting like they are way busier than they are to make people not ask them to do anything and make them feel more important, feeling like I'm not good enough. Unfortunately all of these things have happened to me today. Harumph. :(

May the odds be ever in your favor

I was doing so well at updating semi-regularly....whoops.

But it's okay, because I hopefully have big news coming! I have two, count them two, job interviews tomorrow! I just need one to say yes.