"I'm here...I'm now...I'm ready"

It's funny the things that sometimes stick with you, and the things that resurface after a few years of being out of your mind.

In two weeks, I will (hopefully) make my trek back to Sewanee to re-ground myself on my glorious mountaintop. I'll sit in the audience of Guerry Auditorium and watch a mostly new cast of dancers perform in Perpetual Motion, something that was such a large part of my life for four long years. It's surreal every  year I've done it. Last year, I bawled my eyes out with two good friends as we said thank you, and goodbye the remarkable woman who created something that brought so many wonderful family members and friends together. She and her husband moved on to another college and it was an emotional night for us to say goodbye to her.

This is one of the most remarkable performances that I ever witnessed. So, I am sharing it with you. :)

Secondly, I randomly started thinking about a pen pal and a friend that I spent almost four years of my life communicating with, only to stop. I can't remember the reason for our ending what I considered to be a glorious friendship, other than the stresses of moving on to college (or "university" as she called it.) She was a great friend and recently I've begun to miss her. I've missed hearing about her exotic life in Vienna and all the differences that I would have never thought existed in our cultures. Today, I decided to spend a little time looking online to see if, by some small chance, I could find her.....and I did. After about five minutes. She has a blog which I've just begun to read and I'm fascinated by her life.

Since apparently I'm going to be using a lot of song lyrics/book passages in this blog, here is a the song that inspired the title of this entry. It's significance did not hit me until, ironically, I turned 24.

"Cause my best intentions are making a mess of things...I just wanna fix it somehow...."

Lately, I feel like songs have been inspiring to me on a level that I haven't known for quite a while. I'm choreographing in my head driving down the road again when I hear a particularly non-sucky song on the radio and I'm getting chill bumps from songs that seem to reach down into my core and catch a firm grasp on feelings and emotions that I'd been trying to hide.

Last week, I was left breathless by Lea Michelle who plays Rachel Berry on 'Glee' as she sang an original song for the Reginals episode. Her emotions poured out through the lyrics and I literally sat on my couch with my mouth hanging open enviously watching her.

"What can you do when your good isn't good enough,
And all that you touch tumbles down?
Cuz my best intentions are making a mess of things,
I just wanna fix it somehow.
But how many times will it take?
Oh how many times will it take for me,
To get it right?
To get it right?"

Then, while at work a few days later, I was listening to my Pandora and this lovely gem popped up.

John Mayer--The Heart of Life
"Pain throws your heart to the ground,
Love turns the whole thing around,
No it won't all go the way it should,
But I know the heart of life is good.

You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing.
Then, the circle of your friends,
Will defend the silver lining."

Thanks Universe, I got it.

I've just been feeling like nothing I do is right lately. I try to be a good friend to everyone and end up feeling even more isolated and alone. I try to be the best wife I can be without complaining or being too dramatic only to have frustration meet me.

I feel off-balance. Like I'm literally standing in a crowded room screaming and no one even looks up (thanks Titanic). It's frustrating. I feel pent up and ignored and I fight the urge daily to just run somewhere and sit for hours without my phone and just be in the moment. I've debated driving to Sewanee for a weekend of solice on the mountaintop because somehow being there is cathartic.

I'm spinning my wheels. I've spent so much of my life working towards some goal that not having anything to work towards has literally left me dazed and confused.